If you were tickling me mercilessly and would only stop if I named what developer made the best beat-’em-ups, I’d say Capcom. Without coercion and with some time to think about it, I might come up with a more interesting answer, but it’s more likely that I’d still just say Capcom.

I grew up in rural Ontario, which is a lot more rural than what a lot of Americans would describe as rural, but less rural than, say, Northern Ontario. There weren’t many arcades around. Most of the time when I played arcade games, it would be in a bowling alley or Pizza Hut. However, there was, very briefly, an arcade that opened in my hometown. It was around Y2K, so it started out around the arcade industry’s final downturn and only lasted a few years.

I have a few stories about that place, but among my two favourite (the other involves a Twister pinball machine) is the time I played Alien vs. Predator.

AS IT TURNS OUT, NUKING THEM FROM ORBIT IS NOT THE ONLY WAY

I played Alien vs. Predator with some kids I don’t think I really knew. There was me and three of them, but since it’s a three-player game, only two of them played alongside me, with the other watching. We knew it was the last level of the game because it introduces itself as “Hunts End.”

I was at an age and amongst a crowd where beating an arcade game didn’t really happen, so it was exciting. A lot of the times when I played on an arcade cabinet was during some other event, whether that was shopping, a school trip, or a kid’s birthday party. So, my time with them was limited, and if time wasn’t an issue, completing an arcade game was an expensive proposition.

But me and the two other kids were at the cusp of doing it, when suddenly we couldn’t proceed. All the enemies had been removed from the area, but the edge of the screen was a solid barrier. We had hit a bug, and no force on heaven or Earth was going to let us finish the game.

Absolute childhood trauma. I should bring it up to my therapist.

RIPLEY SHOULD HAVE TRIED DROPPING THE ELBOW

I’ve already delayed talking about the game itself, so I’m going to continue doing that and explain how Alien vs. Predator is possibly not the Alien vs. Predator you’re thinking of.

Alien vs. Predator is a tacky mash-up of the Alien and Predator film franchises. However, the idea kind of works. It lives as a concept rather than a unified narrative. It started with a comic book, then a 1993 game based on the comic book, then it went off in all directions. It eventually led to the 2004 movie, which was already having trouble getting off the ground when Capcom released this game. However, Alien vs. Predator isn’t related to Alien vs. Predator nor Alien vs. Predator.

The video games didn’t end with the SNES one or Capcom’s. The ones most people will be familiar with is the series developed by Rebellion. This started with 1994’s Alien vs. Predator for the Atari Jaguar; one of the few games on the platform that people say is worth playing. It was followed up by Aliens vs. Predator (note the pluralization) on PC, a game that I’m installing right now as I just reminded myself of how awesome it is.

I could go on with this line of thought – and had initially planned to – before my head started hurting. The point is that there have been quite a few Alien vs. Predator and Aliens vs. Predator games.

Capcom’s is unique because it’s a beat-’em-up. No, wait, 1993’s SNES version was also a bemup. Let me start again: Capcom’s is unique because it’s a competent beat-’em-up. You might even recognize it as topping lists of the best of the genre. It’s also an incredibly ‘90s game.

IF IT BURNS, I CAN KILL IT

As I mentioned, you could sometimes find Alien vs. Predator on a three-player cabinet. That’s how I met it. It’s a bit weird that there are four characters but only support for three players.

You have the option of two similar but different predators, Dutch Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in the first Predator film) and Linn Kurosawa. Each one controls substantially different. You sort of have punch, shoot, and jump buttons. However, Dutch can’t jump, so he gets a dash instead. He also doesn’t get a melee weapon because his arm was replaced by farm equipment. Which arm? His right, judging from some of the game’s art, but in true 16-bit fashion, it switches when he turns around.

I liked playing as Linn, even though I usually prefer big dudes in beat-’em-ups. She’s weakest, but she’s fast. Since there are guns you can pick up, being able to get to them quickly negates her power deficit. The downside is that when her default weapon runs dry, she locks in place and reloads, which is a lot of misguided dedication to feeding your gun.

I did not like the predators. I found them clunky and unexciting. Maybe I’m just boring.

The use of guns in a beat-’em-up feels somewhat similar to Capcom’s own The Punisher. However, in Alien vs. Predator, the guns can be pulled out whenever you want. The next comparison I’d make is Battle Circuit for how over-the-top and ridiculous it is.

A GODDAMNED DIGITAL TYRANNOSAURUS

Alien vs. Predator is a much looser beat-’em-up than something like Final Fight or Streets of Rage. Right from the start, you get swarmed by enemies. It’s less about grabs, pile-drivers, and suplexes, and more about tearing through enemies. It’s more chaotic than even the latter levels of Final Fight, but, strangely, it never feels unfair.

Playing it, I understand why myself and the others were able to nearly complete it. I wouldn’t have had a lot of money with me at that age, but despite the chaotic hordes of enemies, Alien vs. Predator isn’t a quarter-muncher. It would still take a bit of practice before I could finish it without using a continue, but less than it would take for me to do the same with Final Fight.

Yet, it has more variety than most beat-’em-ups. While normally, you would just fight different thugs throughout the length of the game, Alien vs. Predator piles in different variations of the xenomorphs, adds in bosses and variations, and then switches over to human enemies. You’ll be fighting a horde one moment, riding on the top of an APC another, and later defending against two giant baddies.

It has a runtime of around 50-60 minutes, which is more-or-less standard for arcade beat-’em-ups. In that time, it doesn’t repeat itself much, it’s fantastic.

IT DIDN’T BUG OUT THIS TIME

It has this really weird problem, however. If you press anything during a cutscene, even if it’s just holding the stick in a direction, it will start to fast-forward. The word “Demonstration” pops up at the bottom of the screen to let you know one is coming up so everyone can release their joystick, but just try to get three kids to stand still in front of an arcade cabinet.

I’m not prepared to say that Alien vs. Predator is the best beat-’em-up of all time, but it’s definitely top-shelf. The belt-scrolling brawler formula was used by a tonne of licensed games of the era, and a lot of them were, at best, mostly just okay. Alien vs. Predator could have easily fallen into that category, but it overshot that and landed at the cool kids’ table in the lunchroom.

It’s just a shame that it hasn’t really been re-released. It recently came out on Capcom’s plug-and-play arcade monstrosity, but not on console or anywhere that isn’t a visual abomination. It could happen someday. After all, The Punisher is going to be in the Marvel vs. Capcom Fighting Collection.

8/10

This review was conducted using MAME and a ROM. The author would buy it if it was available, but she’s not paying for that godawful looking arcade thing.